Why? Why is it so easy to slip into depression. Why does it seem so much easier to just sit down, feel sorry for myself, and cry. Why does it seem like no one understands. Why is it that no one understands that I really am trying to get a job, but absolutely nothing is out there. Why is it that I'm not as smart, pretty, or outgoing as other girls. Why is it that I can't seem to fit into the narrow life that I seem to be in. Why can't I just conform to the standards of life around me and be happy. Why cant I just be me?
So many questions. (*sigh*). I have everything I could ever need. shoes, socks, clothes, a roof over my head, enough to eat, loving parents, a younger brother, one of my grandparents is still alive . . . and yet . . . for some reason, it isn't enough. Why isn't it enough? Because. Because why? Because I have been trying to find my satisfaction in "stuff" and satisfaction doesn't come in "stuff" it comes in Christ.
July 18Th, 2009. I was on my way back from Leadership Camp at Northland, and I was exhausted. Arriving in the parking lot of the church I rode home with in Knox, Indiana, I saw my parents and, after we had parked, ran to meet them. We went to dinner, and everything seemed idealistic. Little did I know that less than 16 hours later my world would be turned upside down.
July 19Th, 2009. " . . . I'm a part of the family, the family of God." we finished up singing the closing hymn, and our pastor went back up to the podium and was just about to give closing announcements when a deacon came up the isle and handed Pastor Miller a slip of paper. Glancing down at the piece of paper, he looked out across the congregation. When he spoke, I was shocked to hear his voice choking up, like it was filled with emotion. "Julie, is this . . . is this true?" a soft "Yes." came from the back of the gym, and Pastor announced "There has been a motorcycles accident in Niles, MI." I immediately thought he would say that some neighbor of a family in our church had been hurt. Nope. Instead, these words came out of Pastor's mouth. "Many of you know some former members John and Sheila Maines." Memories flooded my mind. Snowmobiling with Stephen and Joanna, Ice Skating with Andrew, Stephen, Susanna, Joanna, David, Deborah, Reuben, Joshua, Mary, and Caleb. Jump-roping with Susanna and Joanna. Being "Pen-Pals" with Susanna and writing "stories". Yanking my mind back to what Pastor was saying, I heard him say, "Stephen Maines was on his way to a charity Motorcycles Race--The Burn run, which was special to Stephen because the money from the race went to help victim's of burns, and if some of you remember, David Maines suffered with 3rd degree burns a couple years ago. Stephen was on his way with Deborah to this race when he turned out of a side street and had just gotten up to full speed" (which is 55 mph) "When he came over this hill and ran into a SUV. The impact ended up throwing Deborah 30 feet. Thankfully she's still alive, and only has minor injuries and a concussion. Stephen, on the other hand, was killed on impact." I stopped listening at this point. Dead? Stephen. Dead? He was only 21. Dead? He had so much to live for! Dead? Tears started rolling down my face uncontrollably. I couldn't help it, I started sobbing. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oUTY4OR7Zmw . This is the link to see Stephen's funeral procession. One of the lines says "200 cars stretched in a line . . . " it was more like 2 miles long. I don't think I have ever been to a funeral quite like Stephens. It was . . . amazing. Don't get me wrong, I wept long and hard over his death, and I still cry. However, one of the things that I learned was, "Stephen lead his life like he knew would bring Christ the most glory."
Glory. That's what I should be living for. Not my own glory, but the glory of Christ, and Christ alone. Living for Christ. That is the only thing that brings satisfaction, and consequently the Joy of the Lord.
I still have questions of "Why does it seem easier to slip into depression than have the Joy of the Lord?" but . . . for right now, my focus shouldn't be on that. My focus should be on bringing every thought and motive into captivity (II Corinthians 10:5) just like Stephen made an impact, I want to make an impact, but I want to make a certain kind of impact. An impact that will last for eternity. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lnhJ5A6eUwk
God Bless!
Since I have temporarily dropped out of college, I have decided to change the purpose of this blog, however, for now, I am at a loss for what that purpose should be. So, bare with me, and I shall be deciding that soon.
Thursday, July 1, 2010
VERY URGANT PRAYER REQUEST!!!
I just received a very urgent prayer request from Dr. Matt Olson, the president at Northland International University. His family has been going through a lot lately. I can't help but think of 1 Peter 5:8 right now: "Be sober-minded; be watchful. Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour." Satan is on the attack here. Please take the time to read the email & pray for this amazing family & servants for Christ.
Friend,
Normally I would run this through our office as a prayer request but it is the weekend and I am in Edmonton, Alberta, Canada - and really feel I need to get this out as quickly as possible to ask you to pray with our family.
Our son, Ross, has been leading a team of college students in Ghana, West Africa, for the past month. They have seen some incredible works of God. There has also been a lot of testing and spiritual warfare along the way.
We just learned a day ago that Ross had contracted some internal physical condition that is closing his esophagus, keeping him from swallowing and causing severe pain and internal bleeding. Efforts were made to get him out of the country and to a hospital in Europe but they would not put him on a commercial plane fearing he would not make the trip. We have been waiting for an air ambulance and it has finally arrived - praise the Lord. As I am writing this they have just taken off with him on an eight hour flight to Johannesburg, South Africa. We don't know what is causing all this - just that it is very serious.
Diane and I would covet your prayers for Ross. Most of all we want God to be glorified, and His purposes fulfilled - now and for eternity. We are also praying for healing, strength, and encouragement for Ross in the will of God.
He will be taken to Millpark Hospital, #9 Guild St. in Johannesburg. If you know of a missionary or person living there that might be able to help - please let us know. We know of no one at the moment.
We will try and give you an update as we are able. Our daughter Sarah Neighbors is keeping updates on Facebook - so that will be most current. Thanks so much.
Your friends and fellow servants,
Matt and Diane Olson
I cannot imagine the pain the Dr. and Mrs. Olson are going through as they sit by and pray without ceasing (I Thessalonians 5:17) for their beloved son Ross. Please join me and countless others in praying for this man of God.
Friend,
Normally I would run this through our office as a prayer request but it is the weekend and I am in Edmonton, Alberta, Canada - and really feel I need to get this out as quickly as possible to ask you to pray with our family.
Our son, Ross, has been leading a team of college students in Ghana, West Africa, for the past month. They have seen some incredible works of God. There has also been a lot of testing and spiritual warfare along the way.
We just learned a day ago that Ross had contracted some internal physical condition that is closing his esophagus, keeping him from swallowing and causing severe pain and internal bleeding. Efforts were made to get him out of the country and to a hospital in Europe but they would not put him on a commercial plane fearing he would not make the trip. We have been waiting for an air ambulance and it has finally arrived - praise the Lord. As I am writing this they have just taken off with him on an eight hour flight to Johannesburg, South Africa. We don't know what is causing all this - just that it is very serious.
Diane and I would covet your prayers for Ross. Most of all we want God to be glorified, and His purposes fulfilled - now and for eternity. We are also praying for healing, strength, and encouragement for Ross in the will of God.
He will be taken to Millpark Hospital, #9 Guild St. in Johannesburg. If you know of a missionary or person living there that might be able to help - please let us know. We know of no one at the moment.
We will try and give you an update as we are able. Our daughter Sarah Neighbors is keeping updates on Facebook - so that will be most current. Thanks so much.
Your friends and fellow servants,
Matt and Diane Olson
I cannot imagine the pain the Dr. and Mrs. Olson are going through as they sit by and pray without ceasing (I Thessalonians 5:17) for their beloved son Ross. Please join me and countless others in praying for this man of God.
Thursday, June 24, 2010
☼SUMMER☼☼2010☼
Summer. What does this word bring to mind? Sun, warmth, joy, hope restored, weddings, open houses, gardens, vacations with the family, 4Th of July, watermelon eating contests, hanging out with friends,and even running through the sprinkler int he back yard. Now. Summer. What does this word bring to mind for me? Blinding light from the sun, almost unbearable heat, 3 months without the constant Christian fellowship I so keenly enjoyed at school, wondering where I'm going to find a job, cleaning, seemingly non-stop, garage sales with almost no money made, mowing the lawn and only hoping you don't look as disgusting as you feel, and severe weather involving several tornado warnings within a weeks time. These don't exactly conjure thoughts of sugar and spice and everything nice. As I look out our back window I see trees and branches hanging every which way across our back gate leading into the woods. My gaze moves closer into our house, and I notice a wasp resting on our deck railing. He takes off and buzzes around the flower planters we have sitting on the railing. The gate leading into our back yard swings freely on the hinge, and the light wind blows it back and forth, back and forth, back and forth. The purple finches sit contentedly on the bird feeder, greedily pecking at the safflower seed we put in there. Out front, a hanging basket, full of deep pink petunias and deep purple verbena swinging back and forth in the gentle breeze coming from the west. The stripes on the grass are a tell tale of which way the mower was last angled. From every angle, this house we live in is the perfect example of a "Normal American Family" living in "The Perfect Subdivision" and leading "The American Dream". If you walk down the narrow sidewalk leading to the front door, and then knock, the brown door will open, and open you with warm arms. Our family has two particular gifts: hospitality, and being willing to just "Listen". The kids in this family had it really easy growing up . . . piano lessons . . . soccer practise . . . softball . . . recitals . . . they were, for the most part, normal kids.
Summer, 2010. Looking back on my life . . . it wasn't perfect, but I keep thinking about how "easy" I had it . . . how blessed I was. I was home schooled, I wasn't aborted, I was given piano lessons, I was able to play both Softball, Basketball, and soccer, participated in numerous recitals, piano competitions, and even have completed a year at a good Christian Bible College. I have been so lucky to be born into this family, so blessed by everything I have received.
However, something inside of me is sturing. Part of me wants out . . . to escape. It's like this ideal world that I've grown up in has been too much of a strain. Always being admonished to "Be a lady." is wearing on me. Another part of me . . . a longing . . . a restlessness . . . a needing to get away for a while. I feel like I need to get out . . . to get away from the corset of this so called "perfect life". I want to go somewhere where the people aren't always telling me to "Don't do that" "Do this" "Be a Lady" "That's not lady-like" "Remember your manners" etc. I have been told what to do my entire life. Conforming to the rules . . . and now . . . now that I am an adult . . . it's almost as if I can't stand this life with it's carefully stitched seams. Constantly reaching out to the bus kids. Constantly listening to their woes, and the trouble with their parents being "jerks", listening to their obsession over Justin Beiber, Miley Cyrus, The Jonas Brothers, and Lady Gaga. Inviting them to an activity, or to go out for the day even if I am rebelling in my heart every inch of the way. Serving almost 24/7 as the bible instructed (Mark 10:45; Matthew 20:26) But at the same time, struggling with the thin line between serving and serving, but not listening (Luke 10:38-42)
I'm not sure how I'm feeling anymore. However, I do know this, and I am continuing to learn it: There is a very fine line between legalism (the law), and over-using grace (Galatians 5:13), and we must walk the line between them, but we must not glory in anything save the cross (Galatians 6:14) and that is the only thing that really matters . . . sure . . . I might want out, but God has seen fit to leave me here for the moment, and until He sees fit to move me, I must remain completely satisfied in His will.
Summer, 2010. Looking back on my life . . . it wasn't perfect, but I keep thinking about how "easy" I had it . . . how blessed I was. I was home schooled, I wasn't aborted, I was given piano lessons, I was able to play both Softball, Basketball, and soccer, participated in numerous recitals, piano competitions, and even have completed a year at a good Christian Bible College. I have been so lucky to be born into this family, so blessed by everything I have received.
However, something inside of me is sturing. Part of me wants out . . . to escape. It's like this ideal world that I've grown up in has been too much of a strain. Always being admonished to "Be a lady." is wearing on me. Another part of me . . . a longing . . . a restlessness . . . a needing to get away for a while. I feel like I need to get out . . . to get away from the corset of this so called "perfect life". I want to go somewhere where the people aren't always telling me to "Don't do that" "Do this" "Be a Lady" "That's not lady-like" "Remember your manners" etc. I have been told what to do my entire life. Conforming to the rules . . . and now . . . now that I am an adult . . . it's almost as if I can't stand this life with it's carefully stitched seams. Constantly reaching out to the bus kids. Constantly listening to their woes, and the trouble with their parents being "jerks", listening to their obsession over Justin Beiber, Miley Cyrus, The Jonas Brothers, and Lady Gaga. Inviting them to an activity, or to go out for the day even if I am rebelling in my heart every inch of the way. Serving almost 24/7 as the bible instructed (Mark 10:45; Matthew 20:26) But at the same time, struggling with the thin line between serving and serving, but not listening (Luke 10:38-42)
I'm not sure how I'm feeling anymore. However, I do know this, and I am continuing to learn it: There is a very fine line between legalism (the law), and over-using grace (Galatians 5:13), and we must walk the line between them, but we must not glory in anything save the cross (Galatians 6:14) and that is the only thing that really matters . . . sure . . . I might want out, but God has seen fit to leave me here for the moment, and until He sees fit to move me, I must remain completely satisfied in His will.
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
Going Home...
(*sigh*) home...packing...finals...Spring Concert...it's all too good to be true. I have successfully completed a full year of Bible College at Northland International University. It has been hard...really hard, but God has been overly gracious and brought me through it. If you had asked me last September whether or not I actually wanted to attend College, leave my family, and lose many people/things that were precious to me, I would have said "no."
Last September, I was angry with God...angry with my parents, and angry at the situation I had gotten myself into by "wanting to come to college". I was spiritually immature, as well as mentally immature. I was scared, I was insecure, I was shy. I didn't want to make new friends, I wanted to go back home to where things were familiar...safe. I didn't want to explore the world...I thought the world was mean...crual...harsh, and uncaring. I was scared to spread my wings to fly...I was scared I was going to take off, and then crash land.
Now, on May 12th, 2010, I am more confident, each day, learning to trust God again, and learning (each day) that He WILL provide whatever you need...whether it's strength to get through a day, grace to get everything done, or something bigger...God provides every single little thing that we will ever need in this life. From the little things such as getting up when your alarm goes off, to the big things of handling a life or death situation. God has been there, will be there, and will continue to be there.
I have met so many absolutely AMAZING people this year...it's going to be extremely difficult to leave them. Aaron Goings, Erin Miles, Stephanie Nielsen, Lena Searcy, Michael Griffith, Eric Lesner, Alicia Ball, Julianna (Juli) Killoran, Thomas Swope, Jacob Ignacio, Evan Bonner, Andy Rote, Bob Rankin, Ruth (Ruthie) Rankin, Hillary Rankin, Cameron Ferguson, Kayla Curell, Cristina Driskell, Hannah Clemments, Corey Richards, Dan Kimmel, Luke Gerhart, Britney Hamilton, Suzie Henry, Joshua (Josh) Rottshafer, Charise Schofield, Paul Simpkins, among countless others.
Going home will be a big challenge as well as a big blessing...a big blessing because I am home with the people I love the most, and I get to sleep, a big challenge because I am going to be constantly serving...and this time it won't be just for the praise of men...it will be to further the kingdom of God.
Boxes lay all over the floor. Big ones, little ones, tall ones, short ones. Skinny ones, fat ones, but where ever you look there are clothes out, belongings lay on beds, and boxes on the floor stuffed with peoples belongings. My own three boxes are on the ground next to my bed. Clothes, bedding, food, accessories, and books are just some of the things in my boxes. It gets frustrating quite quickly when I start running out of space with my three very large boxes to store things in.
Tonight is our last "Campus Church" for this year, and I can't wait to learn what God has for me to learn. It is sad in a way, because Campus church came at the exact time I needed it...mid-week. It was always a spiritual pick-me-up from the stresses of life, and I will miss the strong Christian fellowship that I get every time I'm there.
Going home is not going to be easy...it is going to be a dry and barren land of passive Christians, and apathetic teenagers, along with a desert of worn out mature Christians. I can only pray that I can be the encouragement and blessing that they need. I pray that the passion for Christ that He has instilled in me will come flowing out of me, and bless those around me. I hope that the work that God has done in my life will be an overflow into the ministry around me.
I hope to keep in contact with my friends over the summer, and keep each other accountable. (*sigh*) God has been faithful, He is faithful, and He will CONTINUE to be faithful!
Last September, I was angry with God...angry with my parents, and angry at the situation I had gotten myself into by "wanting to come to college". I was spiritually immature, as well as mentally immature. I was scared, I was insecure, I was shy. I didn't want to make new friends, I wanted to go back home to where things were familiar...safe. I didn't want to explore the world...I thought the world was mean...crual...harsh, and uncaring. I was scared to spread my wings to fly...I was scared I was going to take off, and then crash land.
Now, on May 12th, 2010, I am more confident, each day, learning to trust God again, and learning (each day) that He WILL provide whatever you need...whether it's strength to get through a day, grace to get everything done, or something bigger...God provides every single little thing that we will ever need in this life. From the little things such as getting up when your alarm goes off, to the big things of handling a life or death situation. God has been there, will be there, and will continue to be there.
I have met so many absolutely AMAZING people this year...it's going to be extremely difficult to leave them. Aaron Goings, Erin Miles, Stephanie Nielsen, Lena Searcy, Michael Griffith, Eric Lesner, Alicia Ball, Julianna (Juli) Killoran, Thomas Swope, Jacob Ignacio, Evan Bonner, Andy Rote, Bob Rankin, Ruth (Ruthie) Rankin, Hillary Rankin, Cameron Ferguson, Kayla Curell, Cristina Driskell, Hannah Clemments, Corey Richards, Dan Kimmel, Luke Gerhart, Britney Hamilton, Suzie Henry, Joshua (Josh) Rottshafer, Charise Schofield, Paul Simpkins, among countless others.
Going home will be a big challenge as well as a big blessing...a big blessing because I am home with the people I love the most, and I get to sleep, a big challenge because I am going to be constantly serving...and this time it won't be just for the praise of men...it will be to further the kingdom of God.
Boxes lay all over the floor. Big ones, little ones, tall ones, short ones. Skinny ones, fat ones, but where ever you look there are clothes out, belongings lay on beds, and boxes on the floor stuffed with peoples belongings. My own three boxes are on the ground next to my bed. Clothes, bedding, food, accessories, and books are just some of the things in my boxes. It gets frustrating quite quickly when I start running out of space with my three very large boxes to store things in.
Tonight is our last "Campus Church" for this year, and I can't wait to learn what God has for me to learn. It is sad in a way, because Campus church came at the exact time I needed it...mid-week. It was always a spiritual pick-me-up from the stresses of life, and I will miss the strong Christian fellowship that I get every time I'm there.
Going home is not going to be easy...it is going to be a dry and barren land of passive Christians, and apathetic teenagers, along with a desert of worn out mature Christians. I can only pray that I can be the encouragement and blessing that they need. I pray that the passion for Christ that He has instilled in me will come flowing out of me, and bless those around me. I hope that the work that God has done in my life will be an overflow into the ministry around me.
I hope to keep in contact with my friends over the summer, and keep each other accountable. (*sigh*) God has been faithful, He is faithful, and He will CONTINUE to be faithful!
Monday, March 22, 2010
If He brings you to it, He'll bring you through it...
The last seven weeks have been a nightmare become reality for me. I don't know how to quite describe it, but I do know this, the relatively short seven weeks I've come through have emotionally felt like years. I feel like I've aged several decades. What I went through was something that I thought would never happen to me; I thought that I was sheltered enough to avoid it. The third week in it happened; I was standing in the rec hall after choir practise and I was talking to one of my friends about a song we were singing. When "he" (This person is going to remain anonymous at this time)walked up to the two of us and started talking. I politely excused myself and walked back into the gift shop to look at some greeting cards that the had for sale. A few minutes passed by and I turned around to go back out to the rec hall, but I noticed he had followed me in there. "Why did you tell?" he asked. Confused, I looked at him and asked, "What do you mean?" he glared at me and spat out the words, "Why the h*** did you say anything about what I told you last semester?!" realization flooded my body and I could only stutter, "I...I...". He turned to me then from facing the card shelf, and stared me straight in the eye and said, "You're a whore, and if you EVER say ANYTHING about it again, I will help make you a whore." starting to turn away, I said, "What do you mean?" he turned back to me, and said, "You know perfectly well what I mean. If you continue to spread these lies I will rape and then kill you." I just stood there as he walked away from me, my mouth hanging open in shock. I didn't say anything that night at dinner to any of my friends, but they knew something was wrong because "I wasn't talking". Later that night I was talking to my un biological brother on Skype after he got off of work, and he finally started talking about, "What was wrong". I was extremely hesitant to tell him what had happened; however, as soon as I did, he immediately was filled with rage over what had happened. He told me, "KARA!!! WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME THIS EARLIER?" I responded with a weak, "Because I didn't want to upset you." He didn't think that that was a good enough response and said, "I'm so angry I'm having a hard time not going down to his room, and beating him to death with a baseball bat."
It was a long night full of emotions, and for a long time, my parents didn't know either. Finally, my "brother" made me go to one of the Deans and tell what had happened. What I didn't know was that almost 24/7 I had someone watching me, but I also had someone watching him. On Monday, Wednesday, Fridays, I had at least two of my guy friends sit with me at lunch. On Tuesday, Thursdays I had another two sit with me. However, it didn't stop at meal times, I was with at least one guy at all times. I was walked to class, and I was walked from class...it wasn't obvious enough for me to get suspicious because I hung out with these guys every day anyway, but one day I finally squeezed it out of my "brother" that he had at least four different guys at least watching me at all times, and two other girls, one of which is my best friend, and another that lived right next door to me. I was kind of upset at him at first, but then I realized how thankful I was for having him do that. I have had to meet with the Dean of Students, as well as the Dean of Men at NIU, and I have had a meeting with the ladies Dorm Supervisor set up for when I go back from Spring Break. More recently, however, I was sitting in my room late at night studying, and my "brother" came on skype and simply said, "He's gone." I was extremely confused and asked, "Who's gone? What do you mean?" he responded, "HE'S gone." Sudden realization broke through my entire being, and I barely managed to type, "He is?!" through my shaking hands. "Yes." came the response. Questions filled my mind, and my trembling fingers tried to type them out as quickly as they could, "When? Why?". "This afternoon, someone turned him in for swearing. He's gone Kara...you don't need to worry about him." I buried my head in my hands and softly wept, I'm still to this day not sure if I was relieved or sorry for him, but after I lifted my head and wiped my eyes, I typed out, "OK, I'm going to go to bed now, I'll talk to you tomorrow in chapel." "OK" came the response. We said goodnight, and I turned off my computer and lay down in bed. Staring into the darkness I wasn't able to comprehend that he was gone...he wouldn't bother me again.
The emotion still hasn't all hit me, but the full comprehension that he is actually gone has. He's not just on the other side of campus, he's off campus, and won't hurt me again. This Sunday we were singing "O the Deep Deep Love of Jesus" and I can't remember what the words said, but it said something about God allowing trials to come into our life because He loves us, and I'm not sure if it was even the words so much as the emotion that I've held in for the past four weeks flooding over me, and I just started sobbing uncontrollably.
I am now starting my week of Spring Break at home...not just trusting God...but in complete peace. I don't have to go back to school and watch over my shoulder...I can go, learn, and have fun, but I can also go back with a renewed sense of who God is, and that He is able to take care of me no matter what situation He brings into my life.
It was a long night full of emotions, and for a long time, my parents didn't know either. Finally, my "brother" made me go to one of the Deans and tell what had happened. What I didn't know was that almost 24/7 I had someone watching me, but I also had someone watching him. On Monday, Wednesday, Fridays, I had at least two of my guy friends sit with me at lunch. On Tuesday, Thursdays I had another two sit with me. However, it didn't stop at meal times, I was with at least one guy at all times. I was walked to class, and I was walked from class...it wasn't obvious enough for me to get suspicious because I hung out with these guys every day anyway, but one day I finally squeezed it out of my "brother" that he had at least four different guys at least watching me at all times, and two other girls, one of which is my best friend, and another that lived right next door to me. I was kind of upset at him at first, but then I realized how thankful I was for having him do that. I have had to meet with the Dean of Students, as well as the Dean of Men at NIU, and I have had a meeting with the ladies Dorm Supervisor set up for when I go back from Spring Break. More recently, however, I was sitting in my room late at night studying, and my "brother" came on skype and simply said, "He's gone." I was extremely confused and asked, "Who's gone? What do you mean?" he responded, "HE'S gone." Sudden realization broke through my entire being, and I barely managed to type, "He is?!" through my shaking hands. "Yes." came the response. Questions filled my mind, and my trembling fingers tried to type them out as quickly as they could, "When? Why?". "This afternoon, someone turned him in for swearing. He's gone Kara...you don't need to worry about him." I buried my head in my hands and softly wept, I'm still to this day not sure if I was relieved or sorry for him, but after I lifted my head and wiped my eyes, I typed out, "OK, I'm going to go to bed now, I'll talk to you tomorrow in chapel." "OK" came the response. We said goodnight, and I turned off my computer and lay down in bed. Staring into the darkness I wasn't able to comprehend that he was gone...he wouldn't bother me again.
The emotion still hasn't all hit me, but the full comprehension that he is actually gone has. He's not just on the other side of campus, he's off campus, and won't hurt me again. This Sunday we were singing "O the Deep Deep Love of Jesus" and I can't remember what the words said, but it said something about God allowing trials to come into our life because He loves us, and I'm not sure if it was even the words so much as the emotion that I've held in for the past four weeks flooding over me, and I just started sobbing uncontrollably.
I am now starting my week of Spring Break at home...not just trusting God...but in complete peace. I don't have to go back to school and watch over my shoulder...I can go, learn, and have fun, but I can also go back with a renewed sense of who God is, and that He is able to take care of me no matter what situation He brings into my life.
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
Resting in the arms of her heavenly father...
"When confusion fills my life, and my world inside is torn apart, when the road just seems to rough and discouragement just grips my heart, I lift my eyes and see, the one who died for me is standing there beside me, and says so tenderly, Oh be still, my child and know I'm your God, rest to know the King of Glory is on your side, let me bare all your pain, and carry your load, oh be still my child and rest in me.
When I lose the ones I love, and there's no one there to stand by me, or when all I have is gone, my dreams my plans are all destroyed, I lift my eyes and see the one who died for me, is standing there beside me and says so tenderly. Oh be still my child and know I'm your God, rest to know the King of Glory is on your side. Let me bare all your pain, and carry your load, oh be still my child and rest in me." "Rest in Me - Kevin Inafuku"
Out of the many words I shall never quite comprehend what their meanings are, "dead" is one of them. Today I woke up 10 minutes before I had to be at devotions, and thankfully my roommate woke me up in time, so I yanked on a blouse, pulled on my dress pants, grabbed my bible, notebook, and pen and ran out the door. I made it and signed into my 8:00 am devotions at 7:57 am. After my devotions were finished I walked back to my dorm and proceeded to do my room jobs which consisted of: making my bed, sweeping the floor, clearing the desk, pulling the curtains over the closet area, and cleaning the sink, counter, and mirror. After I got finished with those things, I grabbed my coat flinging it over my shoulders and pushing my arms through the holes. The rest of the day went well. The chapel message was amazing, and just what I needed to hear. My day had gone quite well...I walked outside from English and squinted into the bright sunlight that peirced the sky, eluminating the snow and making it three times as bright as it usually was. Walking over to the rec hall to check my mail box, I pulled open the door and let my eyes adjust to the considerably dimmer lighting. Standing in line to check my mail box, I looked around for any of my close friends. Finally reaching my mail box, I turned the comination, sifting through the mix of scantrons, mail, cards, and advertisments, I reached in and pulled out a thick letter for me from a lady back home. "Ah-ha" I thought to myself, "The bulliten". Opening up the envelope, I let the contents fall out onto the table. Sure enough, the bulliten fell onto the table with a soft "thud", but suddenly a little piece of grey paper fluttered to the ground. I bent down to pick it up, and I noticed the front of it said, "Going home". I didn't get it until I stood back up and opened the paper. "In memory of Vivian McNeeley" it read in bolt black print. I just stood there in unbelief for several minutes. A fog of dense silence seemed to crowd in on me. My ears started to ring. My knees started to go weak, and I felt myself sinking into the chair that was fortunetly beneath me. Slowly the hum of the conversations going on around me increased and pretty soon I was back in the rec hall with everyone around me, and the ping-pong ball being hit back and forth, back and forth, back and forth. Tears slowly slipped down my face...and then came faster and faster, making a puddle form on the table.
I can't exactely remember what I did the rest of the day...I remember sitting for a long while with Krystale, and Michael...but after that all I can remember is going back to my dorm, taking a really hot shower, and then eating supper...now I am sitting in the rec hall writing this blog entry.
God has put me through some excrutiating circumstances in the last three weeks here at school, but He is faithful who will not suffer me to be tempted above that I am able, but will with the temptation, also make a way to escape.
When I lose the ones I love, and there's no one there to stand by me, or when all I have is gone, my dreams my plans are all destroyed, I lift my eyes and see the one who died for me, is standing there beside me and says so tenderly. Oh be still my child and know I'm your God, rest to know the King of Glory is on your side. Let me bare all your pain, and carry your load, oh be still my child and rest in me." "Rest in Me - Kevin Inafuku"
Out of the many words I shall never quite comprehend what their meanings are, "dead" is one of them. Today I woke up 10 minutes before I had to be at devotions, and thankfully my roommate woke me up in time, so I yanked on a blouse, pulled on my dress pants, grabbed my bible, notebook, and pen and ran out the door. I made it and signed into my 8:00 am devotions at 7:57 am. After my devotions were finished I walked back to my dorm and proceeded to do my room jobs which consisted of: making my bed, sweeping the floor, clearing the desk, pulling the curtains over the closet area, and cleaning the sink, counter, and mirror. After I got finished with those things, I grabbed my coat flinging it over my shoulders and pushing my arms through the holes. The rest of the day went well. The chapel message was amazing, and just what I needed to hear. My day had gone quite well...I walked outside from English and squinted into the bright sunlight that peirced the sky, eluminating the snow and making it three times as bright as it usually was. Walking over to the rec hall to check my mail box, I pulled open the door and let my eyes adjust to the considerably dimmer lighting. Standing in line to check my mail box, I looked around for any of my close friends. Finally reaching my mail box, I turned the comination, sifting through the mix of scantrons, mail, cards, and advertisments, I reached in and pulled out a thick letter for me from a lady back home. "Ah-ha" I thought to myself, "The bulliten". Opening up the envelope, I let the contents fall out onto the table. Sure enough, the bulliten fell onto the table with a soft "thud", but suddenly a little piece of grey paper fluttered to the ground. I bent down to pick it up, and I noticed the front of it said, "Going home". I didn't get it until I stood back up and opened the paper. "In memory of Vivian McNeeley" it read in bolt black print. I just stood there in unbelief for several minutes. A fog of dense silence seemed to crowd in on me. My ears started to ring. My knees started to go weak, and I felt myself sinking into the chair that was fortunetly beneath me. Slowly the hum of the conversations going on around me increased and pretty soon I was back in the rec hall with everyone around me, and the ping-pong ball being hit back and forth, back and forth, back and forth. Tears slowly slipped down my face...and then came faster and faster, making a puddle form on the table.
I can't exactely remember what I did the rest of the day...I remember sitting for a long while with Krystale, and Michael...but after that all I can remember is going back to my dorm, taking a really hot shower, and then eating supper...now I am sitting in the rec hall writing this blog entry.
God has put me through some excrutiating circumstances in the last three weeks here at school, but He is faithful who will not suffer me to be tempted above that I am able, but will with the temptation, also make a way to escape.
Monday, February 8, 2010
God is good...(*break in, death, fires, floods, destruction, broken relationships)...all the time...?
"Kara, did you hear about the Jones' family?" Immediately thought flash through my head. "Were they in a car accident?" "Where they hurt?" "Where are they?" "What happened?" I slowly typed "no" into the chat box on facebook and selected the enter button to send the message to my mom who was on the other end. "They had their house broken into, and the guy had a gun. When Mrs. Jones came around the corner and saw him, she screamed, grabbed Sara and the phone, and ran into a back room. Thankfully the guy ran away." These words pounded my senses like a brick against putty. Starting to shake, and tears at the back of my eyes, I tried to blink the disbelief away. Shaking my head, and trying to steady my hands over the keyboard, I simply held my hands over the laptop keys for the longest time, wondering what to say. "Oh my word...I don't even know how to respond" finally came the response. I put a sad smiley for good measure and decided that crying would do no good, so I blinked the tears away. Looking around, all my close friends were either off campus for a while, or busy. Finally seeing my "Campus Sister" Erin on, I told her what happened. She immediately asked me where I was, and I told her that I was in the rec hall, but she didn't need to come over. However, a few minutes later, she was sitting across from me not doing anything...not talking, but just sitting with me.
Erin and I have the kind of relationship that just her being there makes it all better. It's like when she's there...everything ceases to be evil or bad. Everything for that little moment is perfect again. When my "Campus Brother" Michael isn't there, Erin is. Her sweet disposition, caring attitude, and loving smile are just three of her many characteristics with which I love her for.
A lot of people joke about being "brothers and sisters", but Michael, Erin, and I actually are...on the deepest level...not just a mental level...but an emotional level.
Something hasn't been right with the way I've been feeling lately. My friends have told me I've been quiet...but I didn't want to believe them. Now, however, I can't help but notice the ache in my chest. Some thing's wrong with me...but I'm not sure what it is, nor how to fix it. The ache isn't physical, although I can feel it physically, the feeling I am experiencing is purely emotional. Along with this feeling, I have had a lot on my mind. Not a day goes by without me day-dreaming about something or another that I have to do or want to do.
I feel like my "group" that we had last semester is slowly and painfully breaking up, and only those of us that actually want to stay together are able to do just that. God is stretching us all...I guess you could say He is putting us all on the raque and seeing how flexible we are able to become. When God does this, it hurts. It hurts more than anything I could ever describe on paper (Romans 8:26), but if we are knocked around like this, it eventually knocks us to our knees, and that is the best place for us to be...on our knees...so the only place we can look...is up.
Erin and I have the kind of relationship that just her being there makes it all better. It's like when she's there...everything ceases to be evil or bad. Everything for that little moment is perfect again. When my "Campus Brother" Michael isn't there, Erin is. Her sweet disposition, caring attitude, and loving smile are just three of her many characteristics with which I love her for.
A lot of people joke about being "brothers and sisters", but Michael, Erin, and I actually are...on the deepest level...not just a mental level...but an emotional level.
Something hasn't been right with the way I've been feeling lately. My friends have told me I've been quiet...but I didn't want to believe them. Now, however, I can't help but notice the ache in my chest. Some thing's wrong with me...but I'm not sure what it is, nor how to fix it. The ache isn't physical, although I can feel it physically, the feeling I am experiencing is purely emotional. Along with this feeling, I have had a lot on my mind. Not a day goes by without me day-dreaming about something or another that I have to do or want to do.
I feel like my "group" that we had last semester is slowly and painfully breaking up, and only those of us that actually want to stay together are able to do just that. God is stretching us all...I guess you could say He is putting us all on the raque and seeing how flexible we are able to become. When God does this, it hurts. It hurts more than anything I could ever describe on paper (Romans 8:26), but if we are knocked around like this, it eventually knocks us to our knees, and that is the best place for us to be...on our knees...so the only place we can look...is up.
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