Why? Why is it so easy to slip into depression. Why does it seem so much easier to just sit down, feel sorry for myself, and cry. Why does it seem like no one understands. Why is it that no one understands that I really am trying to get a job, but absolutely nothing is out there. Why is it that I'm not as smart, pretty, or outgoing as other girls. Why is it that I can't seem to fit into the narrow life that I seem to be in. Why can't I just conform to the standards of life around me and be happy. Why cant I just be me?
So many questions. (*sigh*). I have everything I could ever need. shoes, socks, clothes, a roof over my head, enough to eat, loving parents, a younger brother, one of my grandparents is still alive . . . and yet . . . for some reason, it isn't enough. Why isn't it enough? Because. Because why? Because I have been trying to find my satisfaction in "stuff" and satisfaction doesn't come in "stuff" it comes in Christ.
July 18Th, 2009. I was on my way back from Leadership Camp at Northland, and I was exhausted. Arriving in the parking lot of the church I rode home with in Knox, Indiana, I saw my parents and, after we had parked, ran to meet them. We went to dinner, and everything seemed idealistic. Little did I know that less than 16 hours later my world would be turned upside down.
July 19Th, 2009. " . . . I'm a part of the family, the family of God." we finished up singing the closing hymn, and our pastor went back up to the podium and was just about to give closing announcements when a deacon came up the isle and handed Pastor Miller a slip of paper. Glancing down at the piece of paper, he looked out across the congregation. When he spoke, I was shocked to hear his voice choking up, like it was filled with emotion. "Julie, is this . . . is this true?" a soft "Yes." came from the back of the gym, and Pastor announced "There has been a motorcycles accident in Niles, MI." I immediately thought he would say that some neighbor of a family in our church had been hurt. Nope. Instead, these words came out of Pastor's mouth. "Many of you know some former members John and Sheila Maines." Memories flooded my mind. Snowmobiling with Stephen and Joanna, Ice Skating with Andrew, Stephen, Susanna, Joanna, David, Deborah, Reuben, Joshua, Mary, and Caleb. Jump-roping with Susanna and Joanna. Being "Pen-Pals" with Susanna and writing "stories". Yanking my mind back to what Pastor was saying, I heard him say, "Stephen Maines was on his way to a charity Motorcycles Race--The Burn run, which was special to Stephen because the money from the race went to help victim's of burns, and if some of you remember, David Maines suffered with 3rd degree burns a couple years ago. Stephen was on his way with Deborah to this race when he turned out of a side street and had just gotten up to full speed" (which is 55 mph) "When he came over this hill and ran into a SUV. The impact ended up throwing Deborah 30 feet. Thankfully she's still alive, and only has minor injuries and a concussion. Stephen, on the other hand, was killed on impact." I stopped listening at this point. Dead? Stephen. Dead? He was only 21. Dead? He had so much to live for! Dead? Tears started rolling down my face uncontrollably. I couldn't help it, I started sobbing. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oUTY4OR7Zmw . This is the link to see Stephen's funeral procession. One of the lines says "200 cars stretched in a line . . . " it was more like 2 miles long. I don't think I have ever been to a funeral quite like Stephens. It was . . . amazing. Don't get me wrong, I wept long and hard over his death, and I still cry. However, one of the things that I learned was, "Stephen lead his life like he knew would bring Christ the most glory."
Glory. That's what I should be living for. Not my own glory, but the glory of Christ, and Christ alone. Living for Christ. That is the only thing that brings satisfaction, and consequently the Joy of the Lord.
I still have questions of "Why does it seem easier to slip into depression than have the Joy of the Lord?" but . . . for right now, my focus shouldn't be on that. My focus should be on bringing every thought and motive into captivity (II Corinthians 10:5) just like Stephen made an impact, I want to make an impact, but I want to make a certain kind of impact. An impact that will last for eternity. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lnhJ5A6eUwk
God Bless!
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