"Kara, did you hear about the Jones' family?" Immediately thought flash through my head. "Were they in a car accident?" "Where they hurt?" "Where are they?" "What happened?" I slowly typed "no" into the chat box on facebook and selected the enter button to send the message to my mom who was on the other end. "They had their house broken into, and the guy had a gun. When Mrs. Jones came around the corner and saw him, she screamed, grabbed Sara and the phone, and ran into a back room. Thankfully the guy ran away." These words pounded my senses like a brick against putty. Starting to shake, and tears at the back of my eyes, I tried to blink the disbelief away. Shaking my head, and trying to steady my hands over the keyboard, I simply held my hands over the laptop keys for the longest time, wondering what to say. "Oh my word...I don't even know how to respond" finally came the response. I put a sad smiley for good measure and decided that crying would do no good, so I blinked the tears away. Looking around, all my close friends were either off campus for a while, or busy. Finally seeing my "Campus Sister" Erin on, I told her what happened. She immediately asked me where I was, and I told her that I was in the rec hall, but she didn't need to come over. However, a few minutes later, she was sitting across from me not doing anything...not talking, but just sitting with me.
Erin and I have the kind of relationship that just her being there makes it all better. It's like when she's there...everything ceases to be evil or bad. Everything for that little moment is perfect again. When my "Campus Brother" Michael isn't there, Erin is. Her sweet disposition, caring attitude, and loving smile are just three of her many characteristics with which I love her for.
A lot of people joke about being "brothers and sisters", but Michael, Erin, and I actually are...on the deepest level...not just a mental level...but an emotional level.
Something hasn't been right with the way I've been feeling lately. My friends have told me I've been quiet...but I didn't want to believe them. Now, however, I can't help but notice the ache in my chest. Some thing's wrong with me...but I'm not sure what it is, nor how to fix it. The ache isn't physical, although I can feel it physically, the feeling I am experiencing is purely emotional. Along with this feeling, I have had a lot on my mind. Not a day goes by without me day-dreaming about something or another that I have to do or want to do.
I feel like my "group" that we had last semester is slowly and painfully breaking up, and only those of us that actually want to stay together are able to do just that. God is stretching us all...I guess you could say He is putting us all on the raque and seeing how flexible we are able to become. When God does this, it hurts. It hurts more than anything I could ever describe on paper (Romans 8:26), but if we are knocked around like this, it eventually knocks us to our knees, and that is the best place for us to be...on our knees...so the only place we can look...is up.
Since I have temporarily dropped out of college, I have decided to change the purpose of this blog, however, for now, I am at a loss for what that purpose should be. So, bare with me, and I shall be deciding that soon.
Monday, February 8, 2010
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
And so it begins . . .
As I sit across the table waiting for dinner to start, I listen to my best friend Kristine explain to me what "Spring Fest" is. I made a tightly balled fist and try to get the feeling back into my fingers. The second day of classes of my second semester is coming to a close, and I am amazed at everything that God has brought me through already. Last night in the rec hall while eating cheesy bread and skyping across the table to each other, Kristine, Michael, and I were totally obsorbed in what we were doing at that moment. Suddenly I looked up from my lap top, and noticed someone I recognized from last semester, but didn't expect back, walking in. Aaron had amazingly gotten the money to come back for another semester of school. I squeeled out his name and was the first one up from the table almost upsetting my glass of water. Within seconds, at least 15 other students had surrounded Aaron, and were fireing questions at him like he was going to disappear never to be seen again.
Aaron had come back. Everones pride and joy, and yet the person who constantly teased! The brother and yet annoying aquaintence. The person you looked forward to seeing each day, and yet dreaded.
(*Takes another sip of my carmel apple cider) . . . Anyway, looking back on today's classes, I start feeling overwhelmed by everything I need to have done within the next couple weeks. I have to have an assignment for Computer class in next Friday, I have homework due on Tuesday for Aural Skills, I have a quiz on friday for English, and I have reading due for Historical Books as well. With all this already on my plate for classes this semester, it is easy to lose sight of what my main focus should be. My relationship with Christ.
As the days slowly get longer, but the temptrature keeps dropping. One of the students walks back and forth from outside and keeps piling the wood on the fire, making it crackle. Another female student laughs and playfully punches the guy that is sitting next to her, and then shakes her head and looks back down at her lap top.
This seen is not at all uncommon here at Northland. I can usually be found either with my best friends, studying, or practising in the Fine Arts Building.
One of my favorite things to do though, is to on a lazy friday evening, to gather with friends, and "might-as-well-be-family" and order a cheesy bread and play "Apples to Apples". It is a good way to unwind and relax, and put all the stresses of life out of our minds for at least a good four hours! :)
I have stopped being so homesick, and now the PTSA sets in . . . (Post Tramatic Seperation Axiety) sets in. Just kidding.
I'm realy excited about what God has in store for me this semester, but am equally excited about going home for the summer months . . . not so I can sleep (although I will be doing plenty of that) but so I can invest in other peoples lives, or so I can minister to others and be able to serve. He must increase, but I must decrease!
Aaron had come back. Everones pride and joy, and yet the person who constantly teased! The brother and yet annoying aquaintence. The person you looked forward to seeing each day, and yet dreaded.
(*Takes another sip of my carmel apple cider) . . . Anyway, looking back on today's classes, I start feeling overwhelmed by everything I need to have done within the next couple weeks. I have to have an assignment for Computer class in next Friday, I have homework due on Tuesday for Aural Skills, I have a quiz on friday for English, and I have reading due for Historical Books as well. With all this already on my plate for classes this semester, it is easy to lose sight of what my main focus should be. My relationship with Christ.
As the days slowly get longer, but the temptrature keeps dropping. One of the students walks back and forth from outside and keeps piling the wood on the fire, making it crackle. Another female student laughs and playfully punches the guy that is sitting next to her, and then shakes her head and looks back down at her lap top.
This seen is not at all uncommon here at Northland. I can usually be found either with my best friends, studying, or practising in the Fine Arts Building.
One of my favorite things to do though, is to on a lazy friday evening, to gather with friends, and "might-as-well-be-family" and order a cheesy bread and play "Apples to Apples". It is a good way to unwind and relax, and put all the stresses of life out of our minds for at least a good four hours! :)
I have stopped being so homesick, and now the PTSA sets in . . . (Post Tramatic Seperation Axiety) sets in. Just kidding.
I'm realy excited about what God has in store for me this semester, but am equally excited about going home for the summer months . . . not so I can sleep (although I will be doing plenty of that) but so I can invest in other peoples lives, or so I can minister to others and be able to serve. He must increase, but I must decrease!
Saturday, January 23, 2010
Going back for my second semester
The white plastic bag hung onto the handle of my suitcase, waiting to be brought out to the van. My clothes bags, shoes, backpack, and Painball gun all sat in a pile in the corner. My music that was once scattered on the piano from being practised now was packed into my book bag. My cell phone lay hanging from the charger by the wall. My computer was plugged in getting fully charged for the trip back up to school.
These are just some of the things that I see as I write this entry. This break has flown by so quickly. So many things got accomplished, none of which were things that I had planned on doing. I didn't get ahead in any school work . . . and I didn't get my books ordered in time to read ahead. However, I did get a lot of opportunities to serve. I was able to invest in others lives, and I was also able to counsel a girl in my youth group about some wrong decisions that she had been making. I didn't tell her what to do, but I did tell her what God's Word said on such things, and that she should pray about it, and then make her decision. We also talked about asking Christs forgiveness when we sin. I explained to her that when we sin, we not only sin against someone, but we sin against Christ. I tryed to explain the importance of us going before Christ and asking for His free mercy and forgiveness. She admitted to me that she never asked for God's forgiveness. I was able to talk to her for about an hour on that very subject. GOD IS GOOD!!!
My parents and I will leave in about an hour to take me back up to Northland International University for my second semester at school. I'm scared, and excited all at the same time. I'm looking forward to seeing all my friends, and yet scared of who I will meet this semester as well.
As my luggage slowly gets hauled out to the van, I can feel the cold "whoosh" of the door opening and closing. It almost reminds me of a day back in August. August 31st. The day I first went off to school. It was a terrifying and yet exhilerating moment for me. A moment to spread my wings, and learn to fly on my own. However, when I finally got to Northland, a sense of insecurity and total and complete fear controlled me. I remember as I watched my mom drive away . . . tears of anger and fear rolled down my cheeks. I wanted to run after her and throw myself at the van, begging her to stop and not leave me here. Now as I look back, however, I smile with how homesick I was, and the knowledge that if she had taken me back home, I would not have grown in so many areas of my life.
I am so thankful I get to go to a good christian school like Northland. No matter how homesick/scared I get, I know that their is always going to be good godly friends to hold me up, encourage me and remind me that from the beginning of time, God had a purpose for me, and one of the purposes was to come to Northland. I may not be sure of that purpose right now, but as long as I'm inside of God's will, I am in the safest place on earth.
These are just some of the things that I see as I write this entry. This break has flown by so quickly. So many things got accomplished, none of which were things that I had planned on doing. I didn't get ahead in any school work . . . and I didn't get my books ordered in time to read ahead. However, I did get a lot of opportunities to serve. I was able to invest in others lives, and I was also able to counsel a girl in my youth group about some wrong decisions that she had been making. I didn't tell her what to do, but I did tell her what God's Word said on such things, and that she should pray about it, and then make her decision. We also talked about asking Christs forgiveness when we sin. I explained to her that when we sin, we not only sin against someone, but we sin against Christ. I tryed to explain the importance of us going before Christ and asking for His free mercy and forgiveness. She admitted to me that she never asked for God's forgiveness. I was able to talk to her for about an hour on that very subject. GOD IS GOOD!!!
My parents and I will leave in about an hour to take me back up to Northland International University for my second semester at school. I'm scared, and excited all at the same time. I'm looking forward to seeing all my friends, and yet scared of who I will meet this semester as well.
As my luggage slowly gets hauled out to the van, I can feel the cold "whoosh" of the door opening and closing. It almost reminds me of a day back in August. August 31st. The day I first went off to school. It was a terrifying and yet exhilerating moment for me. A moment to spread my wings, and learn to fly on my own. However, when I finally got to Northland, a sense of insecurity and total and complete fear controlled me. I remember as I watched my mom drive away . . . tears of anger and fear rolled down my cheeks. I wanted to run after her and throw myself at the van, begging her to stop and not leave me here. Now as I look back, however, I smile with how homesick I was, and the knowledge that if she had taken me back home, I would not have grown in so many areas of my life.
I am so thankful I get to go to a good christian school like Northland. No matter how homesick/scared I get, I know that their is always going to be good godly friends to hold me up, encourage me and remind me that from the beginning of time, God had a purpose for me, and one of the purposes was to come to Northland. I may not be sure of that purpose right now, but as long as I'm inside of God's will, I am in the safest place on earth.
Monday, January 18, 2010
While I've been home...
Before we all left for our Christmas break, Dr. Matt Olson (The President of Northland International University) told us to "Go home, get rested up, and serve." Immediately I had many ideas of what I could do to serve. There is a girl in youth group that is not extremely "popular". I came home honestly excited about what I was planning on doing, because for once in my life I was doing something fully for the glorification of Christ alone. I finally decided on taking the girl to eat at her favorite restaurant, and then to the mall to shop. When I was able to get in contact with the girl I was going to take, I was almost as excited as she was. When the day finally came to take her, my family picked her up at 11:30 am, and headed over to the restaurant for lunch. My dad, mom, brother, and uncle sat separate from my friend and I so we could "talk". It was a wonderful time just to fellowship and to talk to her about the importance of having consistent devotions. Since she was a semi-new Christian, she did not "know how to do devotions". I told her that there wasn't a certain way that you had to do ones devotions. As long as you are in the Word of God on a regular basis, and are getting the "spiritual food" that a Christian needs to survive in the world around us; it didn't matter if she did it out of a bible, a study book and bible, etc. etc.
While we were talking, our food came, and there was a lull in the conversation from spiritual things as we set our minds on the delicious food that had been set before us. After we had ordered desert, I managed to turn the conversation from "The Jonas Brothers" to "Prayer" and "Devotions" again. Finally after almost a full hour of stressing the importance of spiritual maturing, and a daily walk with Christ, I think she finally started to get what I was trying to say.
The "date" was a success and I walked away from dropping her off at her house feeling more satisfied than I ever had before. A couple Wednesdays ago, we had a guest speaker in youth group on Wednesday evening. They called him "Mr. D". Afterwards, I walked up to him, and encouraged the girl that I had taken out to speak with him. I started out by introducing ourselves as we had not gotten to meet him before youth meeting. He again stressed how important consistent devotions were. He put it like this. G.R.O.W. To grow spiritually, you need to follow these steps.
G - Go to Church
R - Read Your Bible and Pray
O - Obey
W - Witness to Others the Good News of Jesus Christ
I had never heard it put quite like that...but I have also not forgotten it.
Since then, I have really sought out ways to serve others. Whether it be just to simply spend time with them when I would really like to be doing something else, or taking the initiative to reach out and "Love the unlovable".
Looking back at last semester, God had some really hard lessons for me to learn, and he also pryed my fingers off of some very important things that I held onto in this life. Now that my break is coming to a close, I have a feeling that God will again teach me a very important lesson...however, this time, I have a gut feeling that it will hit closer to home. Whatever lesson that God wants to teach me, I know that "From the Beginning of Time" He has a plan for me. Not just a "plan" but a Perfect Plan that will end up molding me more and more into the image of His Son, Jesus Christ. It will hurt...all lessons do, but as long as I have my faith, my family, and my friends (in that order), there is nothing that I can't handle.
While we were talking, our food came, and there was a lull in the conversation from spiritual things as we set our minds on the delicious food that had been set before us. After we had ordered desert, I managed to turn the conversation from "The Jonas Brothers" to "Prayer" and "Devotions" again. Finally after almost a full hour of stressing the importance of spiritual maturing, and a daily walk with Christ, I think she finally started to get what I was trying to say.
The "date" was a success and I walked away from dropping her off at her house feeling more satisfied than I ever had before. A couple Wednesdays ago, we had a guest speaker in youth group on Wednesday evening. They called him "Mr. D". Afterwards, I walked up to him, and encouraged the girl that I had taken out to speak with him. I started out by introducing ourselves as we had not gotten to meet him before youth meeting. He again stressed how important consistent devotions were. He put it like this. G.R.O.W. To grow spiritually, you need to follow these steps.
G - Go to Church
R - Read Your Bible and Pray
O - Obey
W - Witness to Others the Good News of Jesus Christ
I had never heard it put quite like that...but I have also not forgotten it.
Since then, I have really sought out ways to serve others. Whether it be just to simply spend time with them when I would really like to be doing something else, or taking the initiative to reach out and "Love the unlovable".
Looking back at last semester, God had some really hard lessons for me to learn, and he also pryed my fingers off of some very important things that I held onto in this life. Now that my break is coming to a close, I have a feeling that God will again teach me a very important lesson...however, this time, I have a gut feeling that it will hit closer to home. Whatever lesson that God wants to teach me, I know that "From the Beginning of Time" He has a plan for me. Not just a "plan" but a Perfect Plan that will end up molding me more and more into the image of His Son, Jesus Christ. It will hurt...all lessons do, but as long as I have my faith, my family, and my friends (in that order), there is nothing that I can't handle.
Saturday, January 16, 2010
So Vulnerable, and Yet, So Protected...
He's the older brother I've always wanted...and yet, when I'm with him and my family, I feel so vulnerable. I feel like the little kid still...even though he's almost a complete year older than I am, I still don't like the vulnerable feeling I get when I'm with him. On the other hand, when I'm with him by myself, and/or with friends, I feel protected. I'm not sure what or why I feel this way, but I do know one thing. God has given me such a blessing in him. Besides Christ, he is the one that I can run to when everything seems wrong. I can go to him and just "vent" and he will listen. I can cry, and he won't tell me to "buck up".
God has given me blessings in every single one of my friends at Northland...from the people in my class...to my roommates...to the people I know I can simply count on to be there. When I want to back up and run, he's right behind me supporting me. When I am being threatened, he's right there in front of me. When I simply want to collapse from exhaustion, and stress, he's right there to catch me with encouraging words. My mom called him the "angel". More than once he has helped me through a difficult situation, whether it was self inflicted or not. When I wasn't eating at school, he finally sat down with me and made me eat. When I wasn't sure I could stand another second with a certain person, he would always look at me with his steady gaze, and tell me a story from his life that applied to mine as well, and the mistakes that he has made and that he didn't want me to make the same mistake, and open up his bible...even just to read a passage of encouragement.
He's steady. Like a tower built on rocks. It's not going anywhere...he's not going anywhere. When I thought everything around me was going to crash...and come down, right on top of me, he was there dividing my burden so it was half as heavy and double as bearable.
So many times in my life, I have tried to do something on my own, but it wasn't until I got to Northland that I had people say, "Kara, you shouldn't try to carry this by yourself." or, "Kara, you help us with our problems so much, let us help with yours." I wondered what they meant by this...and I finally figured out. A burden is something to be shared. So is Joy. Both are to be had, and both are to be shared. There is a verse in the bible (*I can't remember the passage) but it says something to the extent of, "If one Christian has a hurt, all the Christians hurt, and if one believer has joy, and has been exalted, then all of the believers should rejoice with them."
So vulnerable...and yet so protected. I'm not sure if I will ever get what I quite feel about him, but I do know one thing. What ever happens next...there is nothing that God, and I can't handle together!
God has given me blessings in every single one of my friends at Northland...from the people in my class...to my roommates...to the people I know I can simply count on to be there. When I want to back up and run, he's right behind me supporting me. When I am being threatened, he's right there in front of me. When I simply want to collapse from exhaustion, and stress, he's right there to catch me with encouraging words. My mom called him the "angel". More than once he has helped me through a difficult situation, whether it was self inflicted or not. When I wasn't eating at school, he finally sat down with me and made me eat. When I wasn't sure I could stand another second with a certain person, he would always look at me with his steady gaze, and tell me a story from his life that applied to mine as well, and the mistakes that he has made and that he didn't want me to make the same mistake, and open up his bible...even just to read a passage of encouragement.
He's steady. Like a tower built on rocks. It's not going anywhere...he's not going anywhere. When I thought everything around me was going to crash...and come down, right on top of me, he was there dividing my burden so it was half as heavy and double as bearable.
So many times in my life, I have tried to do something on my own, but it wasn't until I got to Northland that I had people say, "Kara, you shouldn't try to carry this by yourself." or, "Kara, you help us with our problems so much, let us help with yours." I wondered what they meant by this...and I finally figured out. A burden is something to be shared. So is Joy. Both are to be had, and both are to be shared. There is a verse in the bible (*I can't remember the passage) but it says something to the extent of, "If one Christian has a hurt, all the Christians hurt, and if one believer has joy, and has been exalted, then all of the believers should rejoice with them."
So vulnerable...and yet so protected. I'm not sure if I will ever get what I quite feel about him, but I do know one thing. What ever happens next...there is nothing that God, and I can't handle together!
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
School Journal - An Overview of this past Semester - 1/7/10
"When did I stop being first in your life? Why does your family or job come before me? Why do you love material possessions more than me? When did our time together become less important? Why did you stop reading my letter to you? Why did spending time with me become "another thing to do"? When did investing money in my work become "a task"? Why did you substitute your time with me for more time in sleep?" ~God
I have a feeling Satan doesn't want me to publish this note because this will be the third time that I have tried to write this note and went to tag people in it, and my hand jerked and I clicked on their profile instead, and when I went back to my note, everything I had written was gone.
Pride, selfishness, greed, hate, lust, racial controversy, religious debate, moral decline, unthankful, disrespectful, irresponsible, laziness, self preservation, self esteem, and apathetic. When are we going to get tired of it? When are we going to get sick of the perverse sin that is taking over our generation? When did our devotional time become a "task"? When did our prayer life become "second best"? When are going to wake up to the realization that our generation is stepping closer and closer to moral destruction?
" . . . I stand at the door and knock . . . "I heard this phrase growing up all the time. However, Christ is standing at the door of our hearts, and whispering, "Why aren't you spending time with me anymore? When are you going to read my letter to you? I love you. Do you love me? Then keep my commandments."
When I first came back from Northland I was shocked to see that nothing had changed in my youth group. There was still hardly ANYONE that wanted to change, and even fewer who were TRYING to change. When I saw this, my heart almost broke because of the lack of passion for Christ. In Revelations 3:15-16 "I know thy works, that thou art neither cold nor hot: I would thou wert cold OR hot. So then because thou art Lukewarm, and neither cold nor hot, I will spur thee out of my mouth." Before I went to Northland for College, I was the same way as most of the kids in youth group. Apathetic, lazy, selfish, prideful, immature, greedy, wanting my own way, content to stay where I am spiritually etc etc.
This is one of the subjects that have bothered me for MONTHS, and nothing . . . NOTHING has been done about it. No one seems to care . . . no one seems to care about growing spiritually. The kids in youth groups only concern is childish "who likes whom?" and "Who's going out with whom?" and "Who has the hottest brand of shirt, pants, or shoes on". Cliques! THOSE ARE THE PROBLEM!!! Opposites attract? I think not. Not in my youth group. No . . . the preps attract the preps . . . the jocks the jocks, and the outcasts the outcasts. Outcasts? In the house of God?! THIS ISN'T RIGHT!!! Having to watch this "social interaction" game go on week after week after week is enough to make a person go mad! We cannot . . . MUST NOT . . . allow this "trend" to continue ANY longer. There should not be this problem at church. IN A CHURCH! In a place where we are called to "love one another as Christ as loved us." Cliques are NOT a way of "reaching out"! Cliques are a way of separating oneself from the rest of reality. The reality that we need to start looking past the end of our noses and look beyond ourselves and minister to those in need. To reach out to those who are not the most "lovable" people.
Apathy and the whole list that I continue to mention will CONTINUE to run ramped . . . like cholera or small pox when it has become an epidemic until we reach out with the love of Christ and STOP IT!
I have learned many things this past semester at Northland. Many of which have been about myself. About how weak I was when it came to trusting Christ . . . about how apathetic I was when it came to my youth group, and mostly how I was so spiritually immature and that I was content to stay where I was spiritually for WAY TOO LONG.
The only ones that even SEEM to care are my immediate family and a lady at my church. Less than 10 people . . . very discouraging . . . and yet, very ENCOURAGING when I look up from being forced to my knees. My God is greater than anything that we could ever imagine. In Genesis 15:5-6 it says, "And he brought him forth abroad and said unto him, 'Look now toward the heaven, and tell the stars if thou be able to number them.' and he said unto him, 'So shall thy seed be.' and he believed in the Lord, and he counted it to him for righteousness." If you have never done this, you should. Go out into the middle of a field, and on a dark and cloudless night, look up towards the sky. Look all around above your head. Just TRY to count the stars. Now . . . once you have given up on that, think outside this universe. Think about our galaxy. And now think about all of the solar systems in this giant ball we call the world. We are so small and insignificant, and yet Christ still created, lived, ministered, loved, served and died . . . for US so that we could have a part in His glory . . . forever.
When I even try to think about forever, I can get to about 1,000 years or so, but then I start getting all mixed up with the amount of time "forever" really is. Forever is not going to end . . . it's going to continue on and on and on, and I can only pray that everyone that is reading this will be spending "forever" in heaven with Christ. However, I can only continue to pray for those who aren't. Those people will be spending eternity somewhere . . . however, unless they receive Christ as their savior it will be an eternity spent in constant torture.
Now . . . you may be wondering how I am going to tie all of what I have said together into one point. Honestly, I can't. God has been teaching me so many things, and it seems to me that I have barely covered HALF of what He has laid on my heart lately. Before I go I will say this though: Out of all the things that I have learned, and out of all the things that I have been through, the things that I have learned about my God, and the experiences I have gone through with the trials have been the most rewarding thing I have gone through my entire life. I have seen God work in this last semester . . . and I can't wait to see what He does in my life next.
I have a feeling Satan doesn't want me to publish this note because this will be the third time that I have tried to write this note and went to tag people in it, and my hand jerked and I clicked on their profile instead, and when I went back to my note, everything I had written was gone.
Pride, selfishness, greed, hate, lust, racial controversy, religious debate, moral decline, unthankful, disrespectful, irresponsible, laziness, self preservation, self esteem, and apathetic. When are we going to get tired of it? When are we going to get sick of the perverse sin that is taking over our generation? When did our devotional time become a "task"? When did our prayer life become "second best"? When are going to wake up to the realization that our generation is stepping closer and closer to moral destruction?
" . . . I stand at the door and knock . . . "I heard this phrase growing up all the time. However, Christ is standing at the door of our hearts, and whispering, "Why aren't you spending time with me anymore? When are you going to read my letter to you? I love you. Do you love me? Then keep my commandments."
When I first came back from Northland I was shocked to see that nothing had changed in my youth group. There was still hardly ANYONE that wanted to change, and even fewer who were TRYING to change. When I saw this, my heart almost broke because of the lack of passion for Christ. In Revelations 3:15-16 "I know thy works, that thou art neither cold nor hot: I would thou wert cold OR hot. So then because thou art Lukewarm, and neither cold nor hot, I will spur thee out of my mouth." Before I went to Northland for College, I was the same way as most of the kids in youth group. Apathetic, lazy, selfish, prideful, immature, greedy, wanting my own way, content to stay where I am spiritually etc etc.
This is one of the subjects that have bothered me for MONTHS, and nothing . . . NOTHING has been done about it. No one seems to care . . . no one seems to care about growing spiritually. The kids in youth groups only concern is childish "who likes whom?" and "Who's going out with whom?" and "Who has the hottest brand of shirt, pants, or shoes on". Cliques! THOSE ARE THE PROBLEM!!! Opposites attract? I think not. Not in my youth group. No . . . the preps attract the preps . . . the jocks the jocks, and the outcasts the outcasts. Outcasts? In the house of God?! THIS ISN'T RIGHT!!! Having to watch this "social interaction" game go on week after week after week is enough to make a person go mad! We cannot . . . MUST NOT . . . allow this "trend" to continue ANY longer. There should not be this problem at church. IN A CHURCH! In a place where we are called to "love one another as Christ as loved us." Cliques are NOT a way of "reaching out"! Cliques are a way of separating oneself from the rest of reality. The reality that we need to start looking past the end of our noses and look beyond ourselves and minister to those in need. To reach out to those who are not the most "lovable" people.
Apathy and the whole list that I continue to mention will CONTINUE to run ramped . . . like cholera or small pox when it has become an epidemic until we reach out with the love of Christ and STOP IT!
I have learned many things this past semester at Northland. Many of which have been about myself. About how weak I was when it came to trusting Christ . . . about how apathetic I was when it came to my youth group, and mostly how I was so spiritually immature and that I was content to stay where I was spiritually for WAY TOO LONG.
The only ones that even SEEM to care are my immediate family and a lady at my church. Less than 10 people . . . very discouraging . . . and yet, very ENCOURAGING when I look up from being forced to my knees. My God is greater than anything that we could ever imagine. In Genesis 15:5-6 it says, "And he brought him forth abroad and said unto him, 'Look now toward the heaven, and tell the stars if thou be able to number them.' and he said unto him, 'So shall thy seed be.' and he believed in the Lord, and he counted it to him for righteousness." If you have never done this, you should. Go out into the middle of a field, and on a dark and cloudless night, look up towards the sky. Look all around above your head. Just TRY to count the stars. Now . . . once you have given up on that, think outside this universe. Think about our galaxy. And now think about all of the solar systems in this giant ball we call the world. We are so small and insignificant, and yet Christ still created, lived, ministered, loved, served and died . . . for US so that we could have a part in His glory . . . forever.
When I even try to think about forever, I can get to about 1,000 years or so, but then I start getting all mixed up with the amount of time "forever" really is. Forever is not going to end . . . it's going to continue on and on and on, and I can only pray that everyone that is reading this will be spending "forever" in heaven with Christ. However, I can only continue to pray for those who aren't. Those people will be spending eternity somewhere . . . however, unless they receive Christ as their savior it will be an eternity spent in constant torture.
Now . . . you may be wondering how I am going to tie all of what I have said together into one point. Honestly, I can't. God has been teaching me so many things, and it seems to me that I have barely covered HALF of what He has laid on my heart lately. Before I go I will say this though: Out of all the things that I have learned, and out of all the things that I have been through, the things that I have learned about my God, and the experiences I have gone through with the trials have been the most rewarding thing I have gone through my entire life. I have seen God work in this last semester . . . and I can't wait to see what He does in my life next.
School Journal - When My Best Isn't Good Enough - 1/2/10
"But if we are the Body, Why aren't His arms reaching, Why aren't His hands healing, Why aren't His words teaching, And if we are the Body, Why aren't His feet going, Why is His love not showing them there is a way?"
"2009 has gone by with many things being learned. One of which being "'Trust' is not something you can just do. It's something one must learn." And I have learned to trust my God more this year than any other. 2010 will hopefully come with many more lessons...no matter how painful they might be...I will trust my Lord, God, and Savior to get me through them! God is good! Happy New Years Everyone! :-)"
These have been just a couple of my status' on facebook, and just a couple in the many lessons I have learned this past year in 2009. I remember hearing Dr. Horn, in the middle of Pentateuch class, say, "If you scrape by with a D academically . . . but learn something spiritually, I will be thrilled. I would rather have you do that . . . than get an A+ in Pentateuch and in every class you have, and learn nothing and just be go through the motions." I went to NIU with a desire to succeed. A desire to be the best . . . to excel when it came to . . . pretty much anything I did. When I first got to Northland . . . I had a lot of mixed emotions. I wanted to not just do well. I wanted to go above and beyond everyone else. I wanted to be THE BEST there was., but I was also scared to death. Mid-semester rolled around, and I could be found staggering. Almost happy just to pass my classes. No longer did I have the prideful attitude of "wanting to be the best" (though that is not always a bad thing it was not what God had in plan for me). When I looked at the grades I was getting in my music classes I was genuinely pleased, but when I looked at the grades I was getting in everything else my pride fell, and I was again, simply happy to pass the class. Now, you may be wondering, "Did she do all THAT bad in all the rest of her classes?" To be honest no. I had a average of a B or B- this semester. I even managed to pull off a B+ in the Pentatech class after failing every single one of the major tests, but pulling a 95% on the verse test Dr. Horn gave at the end of the semester.
I remember working my tail off on my last English paper . . . and hoping . . . and praying . . . and even dreaming that I would get an A+ on it. When my paper finally came back my English teacher seemed genuinely happy with my increased grade from my past papers, but I still only had a 82% on it. I was happy, and yet very dissapointed. On the way home I remember calling my dad and telling him "I got a 82% on my last English Paper . . . You know . . . the arrgumentative paper?" I remember the crushing words of "82%?! That's not good enough! You are smarter than that! You should have gotten a 100%" Whether he realized it or not . . . those words of "not good enough" have stuck with me since then. "Not good enough?" what IS good enough if my best isn't good enough? I have tried since then to answer that question . . .
I have so many blessings in my life. My family, my friends, my salvation, my bible, my education, my church family, my material possessions . . . so why am I so sensative to three little words? It's pride still rooted in my heart. Pride that when told "not good enough" is wounded. I have always striven to be the best. Always wanted to be the lead in a play. "Not Good Enough" has somehow wounded . . . and yet . . . challenged me to work even harder.
When a person is competative in the first place, and then knocked to the ground by something bigger than themselves. The person is forced to reevaluate his/her goals. Mine went from getting an A+ in every single one of my classes to trusting God to just get me through that day and being happy with even passing my classes.
Pride was and is a struggle for me, and with only a single semester behind me . . . I have a lot more to learn. Out of all the things that I could have possibly learned this semester at Northland International University, I have learned the most about myself, and my God. I have learned that I am a weak Christian. I have learned that my God is always there, all sufficiant, and all knowing. I have learned that I have a problem with fully trusting my God. I have learned that my God is all powerful, always present, and cares about me personally. I have learned that I have a big issue with pride. I have learned that my God is My Strength, My Provider, and My Hightower. I have learned that I'm not as strong as I thought I was. I have learned that my God Satisfies, my God is my Firm Rock through Trials, my God is my Comfort through hard times, and my God is My Refuge when the sea of life is churned up. No matter what happens this next semester I can and will rely on My God! And nothing, nothing, ABSOLUTELY NOTHING is too difficult for my God and I to handle together!
"2009 has gone by with many things being learned. One of which being "'Trust' is not something you can just do. It's something one must learn." And I have learned to trust my God more this year than any other. 2010 will hopefully come with many more lessons...no matter how painful they might be...I will trust my Lord, God, and Savior to get me through them! God is good! Happy New Years Everyone! :-)"
These have been just a couple of my status' on facebook, and just a couple in the many lessons I have learned this past year in 2009. I remember hearing Dr. Horn, in the middle of Pentateuch class, say, "If you scrape by with a D academically . . . but learn something spiritually, I will be thrilled. I would rather have you do that . . . than get an A+ in Pentateuch and in every class you have, and learn nothing and just be go through the motions." I went to NIU with a desire to succeed. A desire to be the best . . . to excel when it came to . . . pretty much anything I did. When I first got to Northland . . . I had a lot of mixed emotions. I wanted to not just do well. I wanted to go above and beyond everyone else. I wanted to be THE BEST there was., but I was also scared to death. Mid-semester rolled around, and I could be found staggering. Almost happy just to pass my classes. No longer did I have the prideful attitude of "wanting to be the best" (though that is not always a bad thing it was not what God had in plan for me). When I looked at the grades I was getting in my music classes I was genuinely pleased, but when I looked at the grades I was getting in everything else my pride fell, and I was again, simply happy to pass the class. Now, you may be wondering, "Did she do all THAT bad in all the rest of her classes?" To be honest no. I had a average of a B or B- this semester. I even managed to pull off a B+ in the Pentatech class after failing every single one of the major tests, but pulling a 95% on the verse test Dr. Horn gave at the end of the semester.
I remember working my tail off on my last English paper . . . and hoping . . . and praying . . . and even dreaming that I would get an A+ on it. When my paper finally came back my English teacher seemed genuinely happy with my increased grade from my past papers, but I still only had a 82% on it. I was happy, and yet very dissapointed. On the way home I remember calling my dad and telling him "I got a 82% on my last English Paper . . . You know . . . the arrgumentative paper?" I remember the crushing words of "82%?! That's not good enough! You are smarter than that! You should have gotten a 100%" Whether he realized it or not . . . those words of "not good enough" have stuck with me since then. "Not good enough?" what IS good enough if my best isn't good enough? I have tried since then to answer that question . . .
I have so many blessings in my life. My family, my friends, my salvation, my bible, my education, my church family, my material possessions . . . so why am I so sensative to three little words? It's pride still rooted in my heart. Pride that when told "not good enough" is wounded. I have always striven to be the best. Always wanted to be the lead in a play. "Not Good Enough" has somehow wounded . . . and yet . . . challenged me to work even harder.
When a person is competative in the first place, and then knocked to the ground by something bigger than themselves. The person is forced to reevaluate his/her goals. Mine went from getting an A+ in every single one of my classes to trusting God to just get me through that day and being happy with even passing my classes.
Pride was and is a struggle for me, and with only a single semester behind me . . . I have a lot more to learn. Out of all the things that I could have possibly learned this semester at Northland International University, I have learned the most about myself, and my God. I have learned that I am a weak Christian. I have learned that my God is always there, all sufficiant, and all knowing. I have learned that I have a problem with fully trusting my God. I have learned that my God is all powerful, always present, and cares about me personally. I have learned that I have a big issue with pride. I have learned that my God is My Strength, My Provider, and My Hightower. I have learned that I'm not as strong as I thought I was. I have learned that my God Satisfies, my God is my Firm Rock through Trials, my God is my Comfort through hard times, and my God is My Refuge when the sea of life is churned up. No matter what happens this next semester I can and will rely on My God! And nothing, nothing, ABSOLUTELY NOTHING is too difficult for my God and I to handle together!
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