"But if we are the Body, Why aren't His arms reaching, Why aren't His hands healing, Why aren't His words teaching, And if we are the Body, Why aren't His feet going, Why is His love not showing them there is a way?"
"2009 has gone by with many things being learned. One of which being "'Trust' is not something you can just do. It's something one must learn." And I have learned to trust my God more this year than any other. 2010 will hopefully come with many more lessons...no matter how painful they might be...I will trust my Lord, God, and Savior to get me through them! God is good! Happy New Years Everyone! :-)"
These have been just a couple of my status' on facebook, and just a couple in the many lessons I have learned this past year in 2009. I remember hearing Dr. Horn, in the middle of Pentateuch class, say, "If you scrape by with a D academically . . . but learn something spiritually, I will be thrilled. I would rather have you do that . . . than get an A+ in Pentateuch and in every class you have, and learn nothing and just be go through the motions." I went to NIU with a desire to succeed. A desire to be the best . . . to excel when it came to . . . pretty much anything I did. When I first got to Northland . . . I had a lot of mixed emotions. I wanted to not just do well. I wanted to go above and beyond everyone else. I wanted to be THE BEST there was., but I was also scared to death. Mid-semester rolled around, and I could be found staggering. Almost happy just to pass my classes. No longer did I have the prideful attitude of "wanting to be the best" (though that is not always a bad thing it was not what God had in plan for me). When I looked at the grades I was getting in my music classes I was genuinely pleased, but when I looked at the grades I was getting in everything else my pride fell, and I was again, simply happy to pass the class. Now, you may be wondering, "Did she do all THAT bad in all the rest of her classes?" To be honest no. I had a average of a B or B- this semester. I even managed to pull off a B+ in the Pentatech class after failing every single one of the major tests, but pulling a 95% on the verse test Dr. Horn gave at the end of the semester.
I remember working my tail off on my last English paper . . . and hoping . . . and praying . . . and even dreaming that I would get an A+ on it. When my paper finally came back my English teacher seemed genuinely happy with my increased grade from my past papers, but I still only had a 82% on it. I was happy, and yet very dissapointed. On the way home I remember calling my dad and telling him "I got a 82% on my last English Paper . . . You know . . . the arrgumentative paper?" I remember the crushing words of "82%?! That's not good enough! You are smarter than that! You should have gotten a 100%" Whether he realized it or not . . . those words of "not good enough" have stuck with me since then. "Not good enough?" what IS good enough if my best isn't good enough? I have tried since then to answer that question . . .
I have so many blessings in my life. My family, my friends, my salvation, my bible, my education, my church family, my material possessions . . . so why am I so sensative to three little words? It's pride still rooted in my heart. Pride that when told "not good enough" is wounded. I have always striven to be the best. Always wanted to be the lead in a play. "Not Good Enough" has somehow wounded . . . and yet . . . challenged me to work even harder.
When a person is competative in the first place, and then knocked to the ground by something bigger than themselves. The person is forced to reevaluate his/her goals. Mine went from getting an A+ in every single one of my classes to trusting God to just get me through that day and being happy with even passing my classes.
Pride was and is a struggle for me, and with only a single semester behind me . . . I have a lot more to learn. Out of all the things that I could have possibly learned this semester at Northland International University, I have learned the most about myself, and my God. I have learned that I am a weak Christian. I have learned that my God is always there, all sufficiant, and all knowing. I have learned that I have a problem with fully trusting my God. I have learned that my God is all powerful, always present, and cares about me personally. I have learned that I have a big issue with pride. I have learned that my God is My Strength, My Provider, and My Hightower. I have learned that I'm not as strong as I thought I was. I have learned that my God Satisfies, my God is my Firm Rock through Trials, my God is my Comfort through hard times, and my God is My Refuge when the sea of life is churned up. No matter what happens this next semester I can and will rely on My God! And nothing, nothing, ABSOLUTELY NOTHING is too difficult for my God and I to handle together!
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