One of the things that I have learned since coming to NIU for College is I am WAY outside my comfort zone. Way to far away from my close friends, and not nearly close enough to my family. But when I am forced into a situation where I am totally and completely on my own, I start to realize that I am not really as alone as I first though!
My first week here was really rough for me. The hardest thing that I have posibly had to do was turn around and watch my mom and brother drive away from me, and feel like she was abandoning me...he oldest child.... There wasn't one day that I didn't call home crying and begging my parents to come get me. In fact...this is true through to the second, and even some of the third week I was here. But as I started getting more involved with the different ministry opportunities, I realized that I had been wasting valuable outreach time. While I was moping around thinking "I can't do this, I'm all alone...there is no possible way I'm going to get this done," God brought many people into my life that made an impact on my life. People like...Ben, Lindsey, Andrew, Angela, Michael, Lena, Josh, Christina, Bob, Hannah, Ryan, Kristine, Aaron, Dan, Charise, Corey, Brittany, Cameron, Jessica, and even the faculty have made a lasting impact. Whether it was just sitting with me, or playing a crazy game of "Apples to Apples" or even just taking a walk around Reflection Lake.
I felt like quitting the first three weeks, but i slowly started adjusting. I had just started to settle in to College life as a Freshman when my world seemed to be suddenly on a sharp angle.
I found out via email that one of my friends from back home had run away, and was now half way across the US...she was only 16!!! What was God thinking that He would allow her to run that far away?! Well, I was eight hours away...I couldn't do a think about it except for pray for her...but I felt like I should be able to do SOMETHING! Well, I did what i could...which was get as many as my friends as I could to look for her.
A few nights later, I had just gotten asked by one of my friends, Michael, if we had heard anything about where my friend was...I sadly shook my head no, and walked away. About fifteen minutes later, I was walking across campus looking up at the starts, just praying, begging God to bring her home. Almost five minutes later, my cell phone rings, and my mom says "Hey honey! I have some good news!" I didn't even have to be told! My friend had been found! Praise the Lord! I could have easily started jumping up at down for joy had it not been for all the people around me, and me having my good school shoes on! :-)
By this time, I was really tired from all the schoolwork, and just getting mentally as well as physically drained. The end of my third week here, I woke up one morning with a really sore throat. I thought nothing of it. The next morning I woke up with cough and a sore throat (fyi...two out of three symtoms for Swine Flu)...I still didn't do anything about it. The next morning after that, I had a cough, sore throat, stuffy nose, AND body aches all over the place. I STILL didn't do anything about it...well, I got back to my room later that day, and I got on facebook...after checking my mailbox and finding it empty...like usual! ;-) Anyway, I got on facebook and started talking to my mom, and she dropped the bomb by saying "Do you remember Mr. King from church?" "Yes" I said cautiously..."He's dead."
I kind of stopped reading right there and nearly collapsed...WHY GOD!!! WHY!? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME?! WHY!? Were the only words that were going through my head right then. I felt like screaming...blaming God...anything...but I didn't. I let my roommate try to comfort me...and I walked over to one of the other girls from my church's room, and quietly let myself in, and told her what had happened. I then took an a good hour to myself and brought my bible up to an empty room on Second floor. I spent a lot of time questioning God...begging God to explain Himself...to show me why He would take such a good man away from so many people who loved him. I was standing up in the middle of the room weeping...when I turned around and faced my bible...The navy blue binding with the beautiful silver script with the letters "Holy Bible" on the very front of it stood out against the fading sun going down through the trees.
Sitting down after drying my tears up with Toilet paper (It was the only thing I had), I opened my bible to the typical passage of Isaiah 55:8-9.
For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, saith the Lord. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts.
I had to say to myself, "God's thoughts are not my thoughts because He is God...I am His creation...I'm not supposed to know His thoughts...I don't understand...nor will I ever understand...if God meant for us to understand everything that He did, we wouldn't be human!
After a lot of time spent in prayer, tears and pacing, I walked out of the room, exhausted, but with a full sence of peace.
God has been working in my life a lot lately...but it hurts! It hurts a lot...but I think that if it didn't hurt, we wouldn't be willing to change.
I will probably try to get these entries out monthly...depends on my class schedule...but...I will try to keep most of you guys posted on how I am doing as a Freshman here at NIU.
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