Summer. What does this word bring to mind? Sun, warmth, joy, hope restored, weddings, open houses, gardens, vacations with the family, 4Th of July, watermelon eating contests, hanging out with friends,and even running through the sprinkler int he back yard. Now. Summer. What does this word bring to mind for me? Blinding light from the sun, almost unbearable heat, 3 months without the constant Christian fellowship I so keenly enjoyed at school, wondering where I'm going to find a job, cleaning, seemingly non-stop, garage sales with almost no money made, mowing the lawn and only hoping you don't look as disgusting as you feel, and severe weather involving several tornado warnings within a weeks time. These don't exactly conjure thoughts of sugar and spice and everything nice. As I look out our back window I see trees and branches hanging every which way across our back gate leading into the woods. My gaze moves closer into our house, and I notice a wasp resting on our deck railing. He takes off and buzzes around the flower planters we have sitting on the railing. The gate leading into our back yard swings freely on the hinge, and the light wind blows it back and forth, back and forth, back and forth. The purple finches sit contentedly on the bird feeder, greedily pecking at the safflower seed we put in there. Out front, a hanging basket, full of deep pink petunias and deep purple verbena swinging back and forth in the gentle breeze coming from the west. The stripes on the grass are a tell tale of which way the mower was last angled. From every angle, this house we live in is the perfect example of a "Normal American Family" living in "The Perfect Subdivision" and leading "The American Dream". If you walk down the narrow sidewalk leading to the front door, and then knock, the brown door will open, and open you with warm arms. Our family has two particular gifts: hospitality, and being willing to just "Listen". The kids in this family had it really easy growing up . . . piano lessons . . . soccer practise . . . softball . . . recitals . . . they were, for the most part, normal kids.
Summer, 2010. Looking back on my life . . . it wasn't perfect, but I keep thinking about how "easy" I had it . . . how blessed I was. I was home schooled, I wasn't aborted, I was given piano lessons, I was able to play both Softball, Basketball, and soccer, participated in numerous recitals, piano competitions, and even have completed a year at a good Christian Bible College. I have been so lucky to be born into this family, so blessed by everything I have received.
However, something inside of me is sturing. Part of me wants out . . . to escape. It's like this ideal world that I've grown up in has been too much of a strain. Always being admonished to "Be a lady." is wearing on me. Another part of me . . . a longing . . . a restlessness . . . a needing to get away for a while. I feel like I need to get out . . . to get away from the corset of this so called "perfect life". I want to go somewhere where the people aren't always telling me to "Don't do that" "Do this" "Be a Lady" "That's not lady-like" "Remember your manners" etc. I have been told what to do my entire life. Conforming to the rules . . . and now . . . now that I am an adult . . . it's almost as if I can't stand this life with it's carefully stitched seams. Constantly reaching out to the bus kids. Constantly listening to their woes, and the trouble with their parents being "jerks", listening to their obsession over Justin Beiber, Miley Cyrus, The Jonas Brothers, and Lady Gaga. Inviting them to an activity, or to go out for the day even if I am rebelling in my heart every inch of the way. Serving almost 24/7 as the bible instructed (Mark 10:45; Matthew 20:26) But at the same time, struggling with the thin line between serving and serving, but not listening (Luke 10:38-42)
I'm not sure how I'm feeling anymore. However, I do know this, and I am continuing to learn it: There is a very fine line between legalism (the law), and over-using grace (Galatians 5:13), and we must walk the line between them, but we must not glory in anything save the cross (Galatians 6:14) and that is the only thing that really matters . . . sure . . . I might want out, but God has seen fit to leave me here for the moment, and until He sees fit to move me, I must remain completely satisfied in His will.